I just dropped my firstborn off at college this past week. Before last Thursday, the idea of dropping him off to fend for himself (at least that’s how I viewed it) was just that…an idea. Although I knew it was just around the corner, it wasn’t real because I could still walk by his room and find him on his phone or playing video games. It became surreal when I left him in another state and returned home without him!
Undoubtedly, I was a mess on the car ride home. I’ve always said that it’s just not natural to care for your children for 18 years and just be ok with letting them go. Although it is a necessary part of life and growth, it still is a major adjustment for both the parents, any siblings and the young man or woman transitioning into college. He’s only been there for less than a week, but there were some things I did to help him and us transition more easily. Below are a few tips to help your family celebrate and get through this life transition.
- It’s completely appropriate to feel grief. There will be many people who say things like, “He will be ok.” “Why are you upset? This is an exciting time in his life.” “You have to be strong for him.” Don’t listen to them. This change is not about you not welcoming this new transition in his life. It’s about it being a challenging adjustment to that new transition, and it’s completely ok to grieve. Contrary to popular opinion, you don’t have to be happy all the time. Sadness is a valid emotion and it’s appropriate to feel sad when you know you’re going to miss someone. It IS possible to feel happy for someone embarking upon a new journey in their lives AND sad because you must let them go to do it.
- Create a college bound mental fitness plan. The week before my son left for college, we sat down to create a list of more than 10 things he needs to stay mentally fit. Exercise, spending time with friends, talking to someone he trusts, prayer, and eating healthy were some of the things on his list. I told him that if he ever starts to feel mentally unfit, he should do at least one of those things every single day to move him back toward a mentally fit state of mind. Additionally, I told him to remain aware (aware of when he’s being pushed to his maximum) and in touch (stay in touch with people he trusts when being pushed to his maximum).
- Create a college transition mental fitness plan. Just as your child needs a mental fitness plan, the parents need one to help make the transition a bit easier as well. Feeling like you’re losing a member of your household and everyday routine can cause a little mental fitness shake up. Being aware of this and putting a plan in place to handle it is essential. As parent(s), we have to compile our own list of things we do or need to do to be our best selves and make sure we stick to a strict mental fitness regiment during the transition.
- Establish a support system. A strong support system is crucial when it comes to staying mentally fit. Talking to other parents who understand what you are going through will be so helpful as you enter this next chapter in your life. Talk about your feelings, check on each other and support each other during this time.
- Emphasize connection. Moving to a new state and starting a new job is at the top of the list as the biggest stressors in a person’s life. If your child is attending college out of state, he/she will basically be doing both. It’s important to stress the importance of staying connected to your support system. Staying connected, even while developing new connections, can help keep stress levels down. You don’t have to make him/her call home everyday, but let him/her know that it’s important to stay in touch, especially while settling into his/her new routine.
- It’s ok to be happy. I know this is a peculiar place to be in. On one hand, you’re going to miss your baby so much. However, on the other hand, you are so excited to see him or her grow into the adult that you raised him/her to be. It’s ok to be happy for him/her. It’s ok to be excited about what’s to come for you and your child. It doesn’t mean you’ll miss him/her any less; it just means that you are embracing change. And again, despite popular opinion, it’s possible to be sad about change, yet embrace and move forward with it at the same time.
For parents of college students, what did you do to help navigate through this major transition in your lives?