This is my first post of 2016 and I can’t think of a better way to kick off the new year than to talk about what many women love, but fear simultaneously – motherhood. For many, motherhood is a joyous occasion; an opportunity to create a tiny human being, enjoy watching them grow and guiding them to the person that he or she will eventually become. However, for those same women motherhood can be scary, borderline annoying and hard to figure out how to do without losing yourself. For me, motherhood and womanhood is like a constant battle between two superheroes. Everyday I wake up I wonder which one will win the battle. Will I choose me today, or will I choose my family? Why can’t I choose both? Do I really have to completely disregard who I was before I became a wife and mother?
I think Jada Pinkett-Smith summed up how I feel when she was asked about her feelings regarding being a wife and a mother. She basically said that being a wife and mother is like this huge paradox and everyday she wakes up she has to ask herself a series of questions. What does Jaden need? What does Willow need? What does Will need? And, what does Jada need? For so long, she felt like many mothers; guilty for putting ourselves on that list. But she realized that society made her feel guilty because of the messaging that’s created for mothers. Children have to for some reason become your entire existence or you are not a good mother. She was adamant about changing that messaging and I couldn’t agree more! Yes, you can support your children and spouse in their dreams, but guess what? You get to have/pursue your dreams too – without guilt. It’s all about what seems like a tight-roped balancing act, but I am starting to learn that it’s actually all in my head. Below are some ways that help me get out of my own head and more balanced as a woman (because above all else, I am a woman first), wife and mother.
Self-talk: I’ve learned that before we can achieve physical balance we must balance mentally through our thoughts. It is so important to be very careful of the messages you send to yourself. I’m starting to wake up everyday and tell myself that it’s ok to think about me. It’s ok to put myself on the to-do list. It’s ok.
Make your needs a priority: Don’t just put yourself on the to-do list and not actually do anything. I ask myself, “what do I need in order to be myself ?” and I actually put in the necessary effort to make it happen. And guess what? Sometimes, my needs actually come first and that’s ok.
Communicate: So often, I would sit back and silently complain, get angry (and nobody in my house would understand why) and blame others because I felt like I was losing myself. However, I realized that I wasn’t communicating my needs to anyone; not friends, not family and not even my husband. It is important to communicate your needs, especially to your spouse. Tell your spouse what you need so he can offer support with meeting your needs.
Join forces: I feel so much better when I am able to talk to other mothers who are transparent about their feelings regarding balance (or their inability to find it). I love it when we get together for lunch, dinner or coffee to talk about our dreams, goals, and ways to be an effective wife and mother without losing ourselves. It helps to not only talk about it, but I’ve joined forces with a little network of support to share with each other, grow with each other and root for each other.
Don’t stop dreaming: You don’t have to forgo everything you’ve ever dreamed of just because you become a wife and a mother. If you dream of creating a cookbook, do it. If you dream of going back to school to change your profession, do it. If your dream is to learn a new craft like painting or photography, do it. Whatever your dream is, don’t let motherhood stop you. Instead, let it motivate you.
At the end of the day, you have to learn how to take care of you. It is possible to balance being a woman, wife and mother. And, in order to help achieve that balance you have to nourish all three.
Happy New Year!
Kela